The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
