where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
