i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
