I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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