if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
