Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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