how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
