Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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