i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
