Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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