Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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