I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
