he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
