youre lurking in front of me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
