you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
