Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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