I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
