On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
