When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
