I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
