:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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