i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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