Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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