Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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