cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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