If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
