What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize