When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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