at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
