they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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