Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
