I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
