Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
