I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
