also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
