i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
