Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize