I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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