I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
