In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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