I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
