he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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