I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
