If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
