my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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