New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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