Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
