capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
