I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
