I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
