Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
