take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Come see our sink grown plant.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
