Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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