Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize