I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
