You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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