she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
