It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
